November 30, 2006

A famous philosopher said that we can't compare ourselves to others because there will always we someone better, and someone below ourselves. The philospher gives great adivce, unfortunately it's given while he looks down at the losers below. No, that's right scissor sisters I don't feel like dancing, I feel like throwing something. I recieved this wise piece of wisdom, when I poured my closely garded feelings to a councilor, who unlike in the movies, did not how I felt about that, but rathered judged my insecurities. A little more listening, a little less judging ok lady? I think that it's impossible for people not to compare themselves to others. we're constantly dombarded with: "the richest people in the world", "the most influencial people of 2006" and most important "sexist man alive"( just joking, but you get my point). I don't know about other twenty-somethings, but I find it hard to gage sucess seeing as every twelve year old is already making a millon dollars a day. Then I wonder about my parents, they are "A" typical according to todays standards. They're still married, are proud of me, they support me, they let me drop out of univeristy mid semester and move clear to the otherside of the country. But I sometimes wonder what they really think about me. I've changed my mind about the direction of my life almost daily. I guess you could classify me as a dreamer. Ever since I can remember I spent a comsiderable amount of time, daydreaming about a certain life. Kind of my own personal movie, where I'm star, writer and director. I still do this, mostly when I hear a sad song. However, there are always those days were reality sets in and I look at my life, and I consider it somewhat of a failure. Which brings me back to my parents, I wonder what they really think about me. My older sister is a teacher, my mother is a nurse, and my father is something to long and hard to explain. All of which I find extremely honarable and respectable professions. None of which I am slightly interested in. I don't work in a tradition job, I don't make that much money, and honestly I doubt it's going to get me anywhere, but everyone has to start somewhere. I'd just like to know how long this is going to take becuase I have a short attention span, and isn't everone entitled to their "big break". I know when other people ask me what I do I feel slightly ashamed, and I wonder if my parents do too when their asked what their daughter does. I wonder if I'll ever be sucessful. I want to be one of those strong women who people respect. I want to do something I love. I want to do something that challeges me. I want to be sucessful and powerful and happy and finally a well adjusted member of society (what ever that means). I just don't know how.